The Disappearance of Harley Quinn
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Neither the Joker nor Poison Ivy have seen Harley Quinn in the past three days. Both are concerned about her in their own way, and they form an uneasy truce in order to find her.
1. Chapter 1

**The Disappearance of Harley Quinn**

The Joker had been on his own for three days, and had had enough. He considered himself a very clever individual – he had in his time come up with some brilliant schemes, invented his very own Joker toxin, and disabled a nuclear warhead, among other amazing feats of intelligence. But now he stood staring in a mixture of frustration and rage at the washing machine, which had once again dyed his whites a bright pink. Not that he wore a lot of white – it didn't go well with his complexion, but he couldn't go around wearing pink gloves. It would hardly suit his image.

He picked them up and threw them angrily across the room. If it wasn't this damn contraption, it was the oven. He had always assumed cooking to be a pretty simple skill – normal people somehow mastered it, after all. But every single meal he had had for the past three days had been either burned to a crisp or still raw. And the less said about that time he had attempted to iron his clothes, the better. He was lucky he hadn't set the whole building alight.

He grabbed his suit from where he had thrown it in a heap on the floor and began dressing. This was what he needed Harley for. This kind of menial drudgery suited her to a T. He was highly intelligent, a genuis, far too clever to be bothered with these kinds of common chores. While Harley was probably about as common as you could get.

He went over to the mirror, tying his bowtie lopsidedly. Harley usually did that for him. "I'm sorry," he muttered, practicing his sincere face. "I'm sorry. You were right, baby, I'm sorry. Yes, whatever you say, Harley. Yes, I should listen to you more often. Uh huh. Yeah. Look, just shut up, you dumb blonde!" he shouted, punching the mirror and sending glass shattering everywhere. "It was your fault! It's always your fault! Now you're coming home right now before I break your face, get me, you stupid bitch?! Yeah, she'll love that," he said, returning to his normal voice and smiling.

Whistling to himself, he reached for his hat and strolled out of the hideout. He made his way to the one place Harley always went whenever they had a fight – Poison Ivy's.

He knocked on the door and Ivy answered it a moment later. She glared at him. "Joker. To what do I owe the honor?"

Joker grinned at her. "You're funny, Pammie. Good to know that after all these years you haven't lost your sense of humor."

"What are you talking about?" she asked.

"Don't play dumb with me, Pammie," he retorted. "I'm here for Harley, obviously."

"She's not here," replied Ivy.

He thought he must have misheard. "What?"

"She's not here," Ivy repeated.

"What do you mean she's not here?" he demanded. "Where is she, then?"

"How should I know? She's your girlfriend," retorted Ivy. "Last I heard from her, you and she were loving sweethearts again. I told her it would last a week, but it seems I was overly optimistic."

Joker stared at her, then laughed. "Oh, I get it, Pammie! This is one of your 'Harley needs to build up self-esteem' things. You're pretending she's not there so I won't take her back and you can continue the girl power talks. But it's not a fun game, and I'm not enjoying it."

"J, I promise you, she's not here," said Ivy. "Come in and see for yourself, if you want," she said, holding open the door.

He entered. Ivy waited in the hall while he searched the house from top to bottom, and then returned, looking baffled. "She's not here," he said, astonished.

"Told you," retorted Ivy.

"Well, where is she, then?" he snapped, suddenly angry. "God, it's so like the infuriating little minx to do this! She probably thinks this is really funny! She's in for such a beating when I find her, let me tell you!"

"She'll enjoy that," retorted Ivy, dryly. "But I'm sure she'll be flattered to know you're worried about her."

"Worried? I ain't worried," he snapped. "I'm just irritated, that's all. I expect her to be here when I want her back. She's always been here before. It's selfish of her not to be here, that's what it is. Selfish and infuriating."

"J, Harley's a lot of things, but selfish she ain't," retorted Ivy. "And I must say, she's right about one thing. You do need her. You're completely helpless without her. You look like hell."

"What do you mean?" he demanded.

"You've got crap all over your suit," she said, nodding. "Which looks like it's just come out of a bag, by the way. Haven't you heard of an iron? Also, that dried skeleton of a flower you're wearing saddens me. And don't tell me Harley does your hair for you. I can't help but notice it looks a lot limper than usual."

"Couldn't find the brylcreem," he muttered, running his fingers through it and trying to push it back from his scalp. It kept falling down into his face, despite his best efforts. "And it's blood on the suit. The Bat's blood. We had a punch up the other night. Normally Harley takes it off me and washes it while it's still wet, but I forgot. Anyway, Harley's good at getting dried bloodstains out."

"Yeah, but Harley's not here," replied Ivy. "And unlike you, I will admit I'm worried about her. Can you think of anywhere else she could have gone?"

Joker shrugged. "Maybe Bats picked her up? That's probably it. She's probably locked up in Arkham right now, missing me like crazy, as usual."

"Maybe one of us should go check," said Ivy.

"Good idea, Pammie. Off you go," he replied. "You're the one who's worried about her, after all."

"But I'm not the one who needs her to function," retorted Ivy. "You should go."

"Nah, I'd rather not," he replied, heading for the door. "Too much effort, Pammie. I'm sure she's fine, and I have every confidence she'll come crawling back to me the moment she's free. Until then, I'll just have to hire a new henchgirl. How are you with ironing, Pammie?" he asked, grinning at her.

In response, a bunch of vines outside the door seized Joker and dragged him outside into the passenger seat of Ivy's car. She calmly went over to the driver's seat and climbed inside, starting the engine. "Let's go, clown," she muttered.

"Gotta say, I like a dame who ties me up," he murmured, grinning. "You're passing the henchgirl test with flying colors, Pammie."

She ignored him as she backed out of the driveway. Joker reached out of the window and grabbed a passing flower, tossing out the dead one in his button hole and replacing it.

"I felt that, clown," she muttered.

"And didn't you enjoy the pain?" he asked, grinning. "No? Guess you can't be my new henchgirl after all then, Pammie. Harley will be so relieved."

Ivy gritted her teeth, trying to focus on driving. She was good at concealing her emotions, but inside she was genuinely anxious about Harley. This wasn't like her at all. She never went off on her own – she was always either with her or Joker. He was probably right – Bats had probably taken her back to Arkham. But she couldn't help feeling incredibly uneasy, and despite Joker's bravado, she thought he must be uneasy too. He didn't even try to fight with her as they drove, and only threw out a few, half-hearted insults. That wasn't like him at all either. This was bad. Very bad. She hoped Harley was all right.


	2. Chapter 2

"Well, here we are," said Ivy, stepping out of the car and shutting the door. Just ahead of them was the entrance to Arkham Asylum, heavily guarded. "How are we going to get in there?"

"Don't get your roots in a twist, Pammie," retorted Joker, grinning. "It's not hard for a lunatic to get into an asylum. Why don't we use the front door?"

And before Ivy could react, Joker had strolled up to the gate. "Evening, Frankie!" he exclaimed, beaming. "How's the wife and kids? Little Timmy recover from that ear infection yet?"

The guard, who had been reading the paper, looked up and gazed at Joker in astonishment. Then he blew his whistle, shouting, "All guards to Gate 1, now!"

In an instant, a team of guards had descended on Joker, forcing him to the ground and handcuffing him. "Hey, boys, take it easy! At least buy me dinner before roughing me up, would ya? Batsy'll get jealous!" he giggled. He kept laughing as they pulled him to his feet, dragging him toward the asylum escorted by the remaining guards, leaving the entrance completely unguarded for Ivy to follow them unseen. She had to hand it to the clown, it was clever.

They entered the lobby of the asylum. The crowd of people inside stopped and stared at the mass of guards, murmuring fearfully to themselves as they saw who they were guarding. They didn't even notice Ivy.

"Dolores, loving the new hair, baby!" exclaimed the Joker as he was dragged to the nurse on the front desk. "Red's definitely your color! But you know what they say – you're never fully dressed without a smile!"

And with a laugh, he slipped out of the handcuffs, which had been clipped around fake gloves. He instantly reached into his pocket and threw a handful of marbles on the ground, marbles that spewed Joker toxin. In an instant, the room was filled with coughing, and then hysterical laughter as the gas did its cruel and terrible work.

"C'mon, Pammie!" called Joker over the chaos. "We don't need an escort!"

Ivy followed him down the hall and into the cell wing. The door was locked, but Joker flicked a playing card at it, which immediately blew it off its hinges. "Honey, I'm home!" he called, striding into the cell block.

"Joker…and Pammie?" growled Two-Face, gazing at them in astonishment from his cell. "Has hell frozen over?"

"Dunno, you'd have to ask the staff!" laughed Joker. "Just sent a whole bunch of them there! Still pining after the ex, though, huh, Harv? Well, don't be jealous, it's strictly a business thing. Although you never know what can happen, do you, Pammie?" he laughed, slapping her bottom.

She punched him in the face, knocking him to the ground with the force of the blow. "Touch me again and I'll see to it you and Harley never have kids," she growled.

"Gee, Harvey, why did you ever let this doll get away?" grinned Joker, picking himself up off the ground and massaging his jaw. "Well, you can have her. I'm just here for my little Harley girl."

"She's not here," replied Two-Face.

"Batman didn't bring her in?" asked Ivy, her anxiety growing.

"No. He caught Crane and Tetch yesterday, but that's it. It's just the three of us and Nygma in at the moment. Is that why you look like you just rolled out of bed, J? Harley's missing?"

"Harley's missing?" repeated Jonathan Crane, who had overheard and looked up from his book in concern.

"She's not missing – she's just…unaccounted for at the moment," replied Ivy, trying to lessen their concern, and her own. It didn't work.

"What the hell did you do to her, clown?" growled Two-Face.

"Oh, right, like this is my fault," sniffed Joker. "What do I look like, her mother?"

"No, but I think we've all heard her call you Daddy in certain intimate situations after hours," muttered Crane.

"You're her goddamn boyfriend!" shouted Two-Face. "You're supposed to look after her!"

"Look, I'm sure she's fine. Harley's more than capable of taking care of herself," replied Joker. "Anyway, Pammie was meant to be looking after her."

"Only because you kicked her out!" shouted Ivy. "Maybe she wouldn't be missing if you didn't constantly treat her like crap! Do you ever think about her feelings?! She could be hurt somewhere, she could have hurt herself, she's threatened stuff like that before when you've kicked her out!"

"Yeah, she's a real kidder," agreed Joker, grinning. "Takes after her Daddy."

Crane suddenly reached through the bars and seized Joker by the collar. "You'd better find her, clown," he hissed. "And if she's hurt in any way, you'd better pray we don't ever meet again. Because if we do, all your fears will be realized, and your deepest, darkest nightmares will come true before your very eyes. Do you understand me?"

"I'm terrified, Johnny," retorted Joker.

"No, you're not. Not yet. But you will be," murmured Crane. "Trust me, Joker. You will be. And you won't be smiling then, I guarantee it."

He released him and Joker straightened his collar. His bowtie was still lopsided, and this annoyed him. "C'mon, Pammie," he muttered. "Let's blow this dump. Literally!" he exclaimed, laughing as he pullled out a bomb from his other pocket.

"You're not going to bust us out before you blow it up?" growled Two-Face.

"Wasn't planning on it, Harv," he retorted, grinning. "And after Johnny's little temper tantrum, I don't see any reason why I shouldn't just let you all just burn."

He set the bomb down and activated the countdown sequence. "Must dash, but I'm sure I'll be hearing from you very soon!" he laughed.

He left the cell block. Ivy sighed, then shut her eyes, summoning her plants. Giant roots burst up from the floor of the cells, twisting round the doors and breaking their hinges.

"Thanks, Pam," muttered Two-Face, as the other prisoners evacuated the cell block.

"Let me know if you hear anything about Harley, will you?" she asked.

"Of course I will," he replied.

"Pam, let me know if she's all right when you find her," said Crane. "I meant what I said to Joker."

"He knows you did," she said, nodding. "That's why he tried to kill you."

"She's like a ray of sunshine whenever she's at Arkham, and she deserves better than that clown," he retorted.

"Don't think I haven't tried telling her, Johnny," sighed Ivy as they all left the asylum together, letting the bomb count down. "But you know what she's like. It's like talking to a brick wall."

"What exactly does she see in him?" he asked.

The bomb went off and they all turned to see the explosion take out a huge chunk of the asylum. "She enjoys the fireworks, I guess," replied Ivy.

"Pammie, get your ass in the car now!" shouted Joker. "We don't have all goddamn night!"

"At least he's concerned. I think," said Ivy, heading for the car. "See you later, boys."

She climbed back into the driver's seat. Joker was sitting in the passenger's seat, arms folded across his chest in a huff. "Harley would have loved that explosion," he muttered.

"Are you missing her?" asked Ivy.

"No," he snapped. "But a bomb like that deserved a captive audience. Harley was always a captive audience. Laughing at my jokes, hanging on my every word, always doing what I told her, no matter how stupidly dangerous…"

He trailed off, and Ivy, for some bizarre reason, actually felt sorry for the guy. She gently lay a hand on his shoulder. He turned around and looked at her, his face betraying how horrifying and confusing he found her showing him any sort of comfort.

"Yeah, sorry, that was awkward," said Ivy, drawing her hand away suddenly. "I just wanted to…I mean…we'll find her, J."

He shook his head slowly. "No, we won't," he murmured. But suddenly his face lit up in a grin. "But I know someone who will," he said, giggling. "Pammie, drive us to the GCPD. This looks like a job for the World's Greatest Detective."


	3. Chapter 3

Ivy stared at him. "Are you crazy?" she demanded.

"Do I look crazy, Pammie?" Joker asked, grinning at her.

"You seriously want us to drive to the Gotham City Police Department so we can get to the roof and use the Bat Signal to summon Batman?" she demanded. "I don't even know where to begin to point out the insanity of that plan. You don't think they'll be tons of cops trying to stop us?"

Joker waved his hand. "Cops shmops. It's Batsy that matters. He'll help us out, I know it. We're best pals. He'd do anything for me, just like I'd do anything for him."

"That's sweet and all, but it doesn't address the issue of all the cops in their headquarters at GCPD!" retorted Ivy. "What's your bright idea for getting past them?"

"Oh, Pammie, Pammie, Pammie," he sighed. "I'm the Joker. Have a little faith in me. Harley would."

"Yeah, she's got a lot of other issues too," growled Ivy. "And can I just point out that most of us spend our time trying to avoid the Bat, not summoning him and letting him know where we are. What makes you think he won't just drag us back to Arkham?"

"Well, first of all, because it's missing the cell wing," retorted Joker, nodding at the smoking building in front of them. "And second of all, because I know Bats. Harley's life possibly being in danger is way more important to him than locking us up and potentially saving lots more innocent lives. He's crazy, you know."

"Yeah, takes one to know one," muttered Ivy.

"He'll find her," continued Joker. "You know Bats. He never fails. We can just sit back, relax, and wait for him to do his thing."

"And I repeat, then drag us all back to Arkham," growled Ivy.

"Geez, Pammie, no wonder you're still single," he retorted. "Show a little confidence, would ya? After Bats finds Harley, there'll be three of us to one of him. We can take him. And anyway, you don't think Harley's life is worth a little time in Arkham? Not much of a friend, are you?"

Ivy growled. "When you put it like that, how can I refuse?" she retorted.

"Great. Take us to the GCPD then," said Joker, leaning back and shutting his eyes.

Ivy looked at the burning building in front of them. "Why don't we just wait for Batman here? You know he's going to come check this out eventually."

Joker opened his eyes again, surprised. "Why Pammie, you mean to tell me you don't want to go walking straight into cop headquarters in order to light up a giant signal that will draw all of Gotham's attention onto us, including the Bat? Just think of the fun!"

Ivy stared at him, then sighed and started the engine. "I know I'm going to regret this," she muttered. "But if it means finding Harley quicker, I'll do whatever I have to."

"Atta girl!" exclaimed Joker, raising a hand to slap her on the back. Ivy shot him a sideways glance.

"What did I say about touching me?" she hissed.

He dropped his hand before it reached her. "Oh yeah, that thing about children," he murmured. "They might be good for a laugh someday, a whole Joker brood. And Harley just has her heart set on little Arlene and J. J."

"Honestly there is nothing scarier to me in this world than the thought of you two procreating," retorted Ivy. "More for the child's sake than anyone else's. Harley would be a loving but in all other ways terrible mother. And the less said about your abilities as a father, the better."

"Aw, c'mon, Pammie, that's a bit unfair," he replied, grinning. "You don't think Daddy J would look after his babies? I've been a good Daddy to Harley all these years – why do you think she keeps coming back for more? I look after my baby girl when she needs her Daddy's sugar."

Ivy actually shuddered in disgust. "Ok, shut up now. Sick bastard," she muttered.

"Got father issues, huh, Pammie?" he asked, beaming. "That must be difficult for you, but I suppose it's not surprising. It does explain your overwhelming mistrust of men."

"Living in the real world explains my overwhelming mistrust of men," she snapped. "Or are you seriously offering yourself as the alternative to the typical cruel, selfish creep which I know most men to be?"

He shrugged. "I'm about to walk right into a police station and face my nemesis for Harley's sake. That doesn't sound cruel and selfish to me."

"You're not doing it for her, you're doing it for you," she retorted. "So you can have a clean and pressed suit, and a baby doll to play with or punch, depending on how you feel."

"Well, why are you doing it, Pammie?" he asked. "So you don't lose your pet project? What would you do with your time if you didn't have Harley to try to fix or order about? I think you enjoy it more than you let on. It's not about her – it's about you having some sort of power over someone, someone who respects your opinion and seems to genuinely care about you. In that way, we are exactly the same. We don't want Harley for her sake – we want her for ours. Selfishness ain't just a masculine quality, is it, Pammie?"

Ivy's hands tightened on the wheel, but she was silent. She couldn't let Joker get to her like that. He was doing this just to rile her up, baiting her and lying and trying to get a reaction out of her. The best thing to do was ignore him. But she couldn't quite ignore the smug, self-satsified smile on his stupid face as he looked at her, then leaned back in his seat, shutting his eyes again.


	4. Chapter 4

"So, your eminence, what's the plan?" asked Ivy, as they pulled up next to the Gotham City Police Department and got out of the car.

"We need to get to the roof," Joker replied, simply. "No point in going through the station to do that. Bats never goes through the station. We get up the same way he does."

He reached into his jacket and pulled out, to Ivy's astonishment, a Batclaw. "I borrowed one of his toys a few months ago, while he was busy slapping around Harley," he explained, grinning. "Can't say that I wasn't a little jealous. A guy likes to be the only one to hit his doll, y'know?"

He shot the hook up to the roof. It latched onto a gargoyle. He made sure it was secure, then turned to Ivy, holding out his hand.

"You have got to be kidding," she retorted. "Do I look stupid? I don't trust you not to drop me as far as I can throw you."

"You and your trust issues, Pammie," chuckled Joker. "What has Dr. Leland told you about them? Small, simple steps, right? Falling backwards off a stool and trusting people not to let you fall on the ground, and gradually building up?"

"How do you know what she says to me?" growled Ivy. "Those sessions are private."

He grinned. "I make it my business to know what goes on in my court, Pammie. Anyway, this is the perfect little exercise in trust for you. Trust me not to let you fall a hundred feet to your death while we're hanging from a wire. Just like the stool, really, only higher and more lethal."

"I'm not doing it, Joker," she retorted, glaring at him. "I'm going back to the car."

"Aw, c'mon, Pammie, Bats would miss you if you didn't come," he said. "It would be so much better if we were both there to surprise him."

"Tough. There's no way in hell I'm doing that," she snapped turning to go.

"Sorry, toots, but I'm not a guy who takes no for an answer. You're coming with me," he said, seizing her arm as she tried to walk away. Before Ivy could react, he had his arm around her waist and had pressed the button that retracted the Batclaw.

She managed not to scream as she flew through the air. But she was in a complete panic until they landed on the roof. Joker released her, and she struck him a blow across the face. "What did I say about touching me?!" she shrieked, continuing to pummel him mercilessly.

"Hey, at least I didn't drop you, Pammie," he retorted, barely able to fend off her blows. "That's good news, right?"

"Don't you ever, EVER touch me again!" she screamed.

She was striking at him in blind fury, and his calm head prevailed. He hit her back, a powerful blow that knocked her to the ground. Then he held her down, clapping a hand over her mouth. "Don't alert the station yet, Pammie," he hissed. "Not until Bat-boy's on his way."

Ivy struggled to break free, but he had a powerful grip. She gradually stopped fighting and just glared up at him. He grinned. "Gee, Pammie, I'm sure glad no one can see us up here," he murmured. "Y'know, me on top of you like this. Harley would be jealous."

"Get off!" muttered Ivy, shoving him away in sudden fury. She got up and went to the other side of the roof, eyes burning in rage.

He giggled. "Can't help but think it might be just what you need, Pammie. You're wound real tight. You need some oil in those gears, as I say to my little Harley girl just before I rev her up."

Ivy shuddered in disgust, and tried to focus on something else but his mocking, irritating presence. The roof was bare save for a big circular light in the center, with the shape of a bat on it.

"How does this work, then?" she asked, going over to it.

"Can't be too hard to figure out," he said, joining her. "Gordon set it up, after all, and he ain't the brightest. Should be just a matter of…"

He trailed off, then reached for a lever next to the light. It flicked on with a loud click, sending a shaft of light up into the clouds, light surrounding the shadowed shape of a bat.

"I've always wanted to do that!" laughed Joker. "Like whistling for a dog! C'mon, Batsy! Come here! Here, boy!" he said, whistling. "Here we are! Come and get us!"

He continued to laugh to himself as Ivy studied the night sky, watching for any shadow. Looking down at the street, she saw people looking up at the roof. They hadn't noticed that it wasn't the police up here yet. They should have enough time to…

But Joker bounded over to the edge of roof and began waving. "Hello, Gotham!" he shouted, grinning. "Joker here! Just need to have a little chat with the Bat, but he's never around when you need him! You know how it is! Why is it that men are never there to listen, ladies? Always forcing you to take extreme measures, like breaking into a police station and lighting the Bat signal! Selfish bastards, the lot of them, right, Ivy?" he asked, turning to her and grinning.

"You leave me out of this!" hissed Ivy, trying to stay out of view of the gathering crowd below them. Policemen had rushed out of the building and were now shouting at each other on radios. Ivy was getting nervous. Batman needed to get here soon.

"I want a private chat just between me, Batman, and Ivy here," continued Joker, gesturing. "So if any cop tries to come up to the roof to eavesdrop, I set off that chain of explosives I've planted around Gotham hospital. Call me extreme, but I just can't stand people poking their noses into my business. It's just not polite."

"You actually have a chain of explosives planted around Gotham hospital?" asked Ivy.

He grinned at her. "Whether I do or not, Pammie, they think I do. And that's what matters. The delivery of the joke is the most important part, so your audience buys it. Almost as important as the delivery of the punchli…"

But at that moment, a dark shape slammed into him, knocking him to the ground. "Batsy, baby, there you are!" he cried, getting slowly to his feet and grinning. "I told Ivy here you wouldn't fail to turn up! See how he's always there for me, Pammie? And you say all men are bastards!"

"What's this all about, Joker?" demanded Batman. His eyes narrowed slightly as he looked at him. "You look terrible," he muttered.

"Yeah, yeah, it's been pointed out," growled Joker, trying futilely to comb his hair back again. "A couple times, in fact."

"It's because J is actually so pathetic that he can't survive for three days on his own," retorted Ivy.

"On your own?" repeated Batman, eyes narrowing again. "Where's Quinn?"

"That's what we're hoping you can tell us," replied Ivy. "She's missing. Neither of us have seen her since Joker kicked her out three days ago, and I, for one, am worried about her. She might have gotten hurt, or hurt herself, you know how crazy she gets sometimes. We can't find her, and we were hoping you could."

"You'll help us out, won't you, Batsy, old buddy, old pal?" asked Joker. "I'd help you find your girlfriend if she went missing. Y'know, if you had one. If you weren't a lonely, brooding, freakish, messed-up outcast with no social skills and no personal attachments to anyone but children."

Batman studied him. "If I help you, will you both come back quietly with me to Arkham once I've found Quinn?"

"For you, Bats, anything," replied Joker, grinning. "Cross my heart and hope to die."

"Ivy?" asked Batman, turning to her.

Ivy sighed. "Yeah, of couse, if that's what it takes to get Harley back."

"Do we have a deal, Batsy?" asked Joker, holding out his hand and grinning. "Shake?"

Batman glared at him, then took his hand. He leapt back as a mild electic shock shot through him. Joker was in hysterics, holding up the joy buzzer. "You keep falling for it, Bats, and it never gets old!" he laughed. "Nothing like the classics though, is there?"

"I don't have to help you," growled Batman.

"Aw, Batsy, where's your sense of humor?" asked Joker. "It was just a gag! You can't begrudge me a few laughs, not when I'm so choked up and worried over my Harley girl's absence. Laughter's the best medicine, remember?"

"You two stay here," said Batman firmly. "I'll tell the police not to try anything, and be back with Quinn's whereabouts soon."

He leapt off the roof, his cape billowing about him like wings. "Now there's a real pal," sighed Joker, staring after him and smiling. "I'm in distress and he rushes off to help. Told you he'd do anything for me, Pammie."

"What was all that coming back to Arkham quietly stuff?" demanded Ivy.

"A lie, Pammie, obviously," he retorted. "See?" he said, holding his hand up. "I had my fingers crossed. It doesn't count. Bats never checks to see if I'm crossing my fingers. Rookie mistake, but then he is pretty dense. I mean, I love the guy, but he's a couple bats short of a belfry."

"So we're just going to hang out here until he comes back?" asked Ivy, looking down at the police cars surrouding the building.

"You can hang if you want, Pammie," he replied, studying the roof. "I'll be finding our escape route for when Bat-boy returns."

He looked over the edge of the roof, studying the layout below. Time passed, and he suddenly chuckled to himself. "Found it."

"What?" asked Ivy, coming over to him.

"Wouldn't want to spoil the surprise, Pammie," he retorted, grinning at her. "You and Bats can find out at the same time. And here's the Dork Knight now!" he cried, throwing up his arms as Batman landed on the roof.

"Docks. Warehouse 18," said Batman.

"Aw, Batsy baby, you're the best!" cried Joker. "How can I ever repay you?"

Batman held out the handcuffs. "Oooh, you'll make me blush, Batsy!" laughed Joker. "Bit kinky for a first date, don't you think?"

"I'll take you to her, and then we'll all go to Blackgate until Arkham's repaired," said Batman. "No games, Joker."

"Aw, but it's no fun without games, Bats," said Joker, grinning. "You wanna know my favorite game?"

He reached into his jacket pocket and, to Ivy's surprise, pulled out an inflatable whoopie cushion. "You wouldn't believe the things you can do with this," he murmured, grinning. "And it's completely washable and non-toxic. Well, if you want it to be," he added. "But the possibilites for fun are literally endless. Think fast!" he shouted, throwing it at him.

Batman ducked and the whoopie cushion missed him, falling off the roof and onto a cop car below. To Ivy's surprise, Joker suddenly seized her hand and ran, jumping off the roof of the building. As the ground came up fast, Ivy saw that the whoopie cushion had inflated to an unusually large size, cushioning their fall as they crashed through the roof of the car.

Joker recovered himself first, shoving the dead or unconscious cops out of the car and leaping into the driver's seat, starting the ignition. They screeched off down the street, Joker laughing maniacally.

"How's that for a getaway, Pammie?" he laughed, turning back to her.

The car swerved suddenly as Ivy punched him across the face again. "What did I say about touching me?!" she shouted.

"Well, that's gratitude for you," he muttered, focusing back on the road. "Save you from the Bat and that's the thanks I get. Women, honestly! Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em…"


	5. Chapter 5

Warehouse 18 was a ruined, broken down old building, clearly out of use for a long time. "What the hell's Harley doing here?" asked Ivy as they got out of the car.

"Don't ask me how her mind works," Joker retorted. "But we don't know if she's here on her own. Or voluntarily."

"You think she's being held inside by someone?" asked Ivy.

He shrugged. "Best to be prepared, anyway," he murmured, withdrawing his gun.

Ivy armed her crossbow and followed him to the warehouse. The door opened with a loud creak, revealing complete darkness inside. Joker stepped into the room, and suddenly fell through the floor with a crash. His fall was arrested by a rope tightening around his ankle, hanging him upside down over a vat of bubbling acid just beneath him.

"Puddin'?" said a familiar voice.

He looked up, or rather down, to see Harley staring in astonishment at him, holding the rope which held him up. Then her face broke into a grin and she squealed in delight. "Puddin', it is you!" she cried, clapping her hands excitedly.

"Harley, rope!" he shouted, which she had let go of in order to clap, and which was fast dropping him into the acid.

She seized it quickly, stopping him inches from the surface. "Oops, sorry, puddin'," she said, grinning sheepishly.

"J? You ok?" called Ivy from the floor above.

"Red?" exclaimed Harley, looking up. "That you?"

"Hi, Harley," said Ivy, peering over the edge into the hole. "Is there another way down?"

"Yeah. Stairs at the end of the room. Hang on, I'll turn on the lights."

"Get me down first, you crazy dame!" shouted Joker.

"Sure thing, puddin'," she said, lowering him onto the floor. She ran over to untie him, and then threw herself into his arms, covering him with kisses.

"Aw, Mr. J, you found me!" she exclaimed. "I missed you so much, puddin'!"

"Get off, Harley," he growled, shoving her away. "Go turn on the lights."

She obeyed, going over the controls and flicking a switch, flooding the room with light. It was pretty empty, except for the vat of acid, and a pile of blankets in the corner. Harley turned back to Joker, beaming, but her face fell as she approached him.

"Gee, Mr. J, you look like crap," she said.

Ivy had arrived downstairs just in time to see the back of Joker's hand suddenly and violently colliding with Harley's face at this remark, knocking her to the ground. "No, wait, puddin', I didn't mean that!" cried Harley as he approached her, shaking in rage. "You're still gorgeous, baby, but you just don't look your usual perfect self, that's all!"

"You think I don't know how I look?!" he shouted at her. "You think I need you to tell me that, when literally everyone tonight has been telling me that?! You think I'm blind, Harley?!"

"J, leave her alone," said Ivy, firmly, stepping in between them. She helped Harley up and hugged her tightly.

"What are you doing here, baby?" she murmured. "I was so worried about you."

"Really? Why?" asked Harley, puzzled. "I'm fine, Red. I can take of myself. Mr. J was in a bad mood when he kicked me out, so rather than running back to yours, I decided I would try to cheer him up by bringing him the one thing he wants most in the whole world: Batman, bound and gagged. So I came here and, after a couple days, set up a pretty good trap for the Bat. I was just about to go lure him here when you two arrived. And don't get me wrong, I prefer you two, but I just wasn't expecting you, that's all. How did you find me?"

"Actually, with help from the Bat," replied Ivy.

"You mean he knows where I am?" asked Harley, her face falling."Well, crud. That's a perfectly good trap wasted," she muttered, glaring at the vat of acid.

Joker was staring at her. "Harley," he murmured, his voice taking on a soft tone, as he smiled tenderly at her. "Harley, baby. You did all this for me?"

She nodded, gazing at him in adoration. He smiled, holding out his arms to her. "Aw, Harley, you're a sweet kid," he murmured, as she rushed into his embrace with a happy squeak, cuddling against his chest. "But you shouldn't have gone through all the trouble, sweets. I don't care about Batman."

"You don't?" she asked, puzzled.

"Nope. You wanna know the only one special person I do care about in this whole entire world?" he murmured, tilting her chin up and smiling at her.

"Who?" she murmured, shutting her eyes and putting out her lips for his.

"Me!" he shouted, shoving her away, suddenly furious. "And do you have any idea of the amount of trouble you've given me, you selfish brat?! Do you have any idea of the crap I've had to go through for you tonight?! Do you have any idea how worried I was?!"

"What did you say?" murmured Harley, who had been cringing but now looked at him in astonishment.

"I said do you have any idea how worried...Ivy was?!" he shouted, gesturing at her. "What kinda crap friend are you, huh?! Going off on your own like that without a word to anyone! You ungrateful little bitch!"

"I'm…sorry…Mr. J," stammered Harley, tears forming in her eyes. "I just wanted to make you happy, puddin'."

"Do you think it makes me happy having to do everything myself?!" he shouted. "Do you think it makes me happy eating crap food and ironing my own clothes and trying to wash dried bloodstains out of my suits?! You think that's fun, Harl?!"

"Well, no, I know it isn't, puddin'…" she began.

"You think I'm happy looking like crap?!" he shouted. "You think I'm happy with the guys at Arkham, with the Bat, seeing me like this?! Do I look happy to you, Harley?!"

"No, puddin'," she murmured, the tears flowing from her eyes. "I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?!" he repeated, furiously. "And you think that's good enough, do you?! You think I'll just forgive everything because you're sorry?!"

"I…I don't know what else to say, puddin'," she replied.

He glared at her. "Come here, Harley," he growled.

She approached him slowly. He seized her wrist and pulled her close to him, raising a fist. She cringed, but the blow didn't fall. "You leave me again, and I'll break your goddamn face," he hissed into her ear.

She looked up at him in sudden adoration. "Aw, puddin'," she breathed, beaming. "You do love me!"

And she threw her arms around his neck and thrust her mouth onto his, kissing him passionately. To Ivy's surprise, Joker seized Harley's face in his hands and returned it. It was a violent kiss, but she guessed that suited them. They had a twisted, messed up relationship, but at the moment, Ivy was just relieved that Harley was ok. She headed for the stairs, intending to leave them to it, when suddenly a caped figure fell through the floor.

"Aw, Bats, bad timing!" exclaimed Joker. "Can't a guy get a bit of privacy?"

"You're all three coming with me now," said Batman, sternly.

"Sorry, Batbrain," murmured Harley, grinning at Joker. "But I've just been reunited with Mr. J, and we're not going anywhere. And I think you might be hanging around here for a while too."

She pressed a button on the wall and the floor below Batman fell away. He dropped down but was suddenly caught by a rope around his ankle, hanging him upside down. "It was a two-part trap," explained Harley. "Just in case."

"Aw, baby, you're the greatest!" exclaimed Joker, beaming at her. "You know two-part traps are my favorite!"

"Like a pull back and reveal joke, huh, Mr. J?" she murmured.

"That's right, pooh," he said, kissing her cheek. "What's the difference between Batman and a real bat? One's a filthy rodent with a tiny brain who hangs upside down, and the other's a bat!"

Harley actually giggled uncontrollably at this, while Ivy rolled her eyes. "He's all yours, puddin'," breathed Harley, holding out the rope to him.

"It's a great opportunity, pooh, don't get me wrong," he said. "But look at me. I can't fight the Bat looking like this. What if this is the time I won? Do you think I want all the photos in the papers to be of me like this? You think this is how I want people to remember me? It would completely ruin my image, sweets. Nah, let's leave him hanging here and go home. I'm starving anyway."

"Anything you say, puddin'," cooed Harley, tying the rope down and taking Joker's hand.

"Well, must run, Bats!" he called down the hole. "Thanks again for all your help. You're a real pal. See you soon!"

Harley held his hand as they all three went up the stairs. "Gee Red, it sure was nice of you to come find me," said Harley, turning to smile at her friend. "I feel really loved."

"Everyone at Arkham was pretty upset that you were missing," said Ivy. "Crane actually threatened to kill Joker if he didn't find you."

"Aw, Johnny's a sweetie," sighed Harley. "Gotta say, it all sounds like a lot of fuss for little old me."

"Wait'll you see what I did to Arkham, pumpkin," chuckled Joker. "We'll drive by on the way home and show you. It was a big explosion just for you, pooh bear."

"Aw, Mr. J, you're the best!" murmured Harley, kissing his cheek. She stroked his hair back and suddenly said, "Hang on a second."

She reached into her bag and took out a tub of brylcreem. "Oh, there it is," said Joker. "I forgot you had it."

"I always keep it with me, Mr. J, just in case you need a top up," she said, working the gel through his hair. "There!" she said, happily, when she was done. "Now you look just like your old self again!"

"Lift home, Pammie?" asked Joker when they reached the car.

She shook her head. "Nah, you two go ahead. I'll walk."

"Well, that was actually kinda fun, Pammie," said Joker, smiling as he climbed into the car. "You're all right, for a dame."

"Bye, Red," said Harley, hugging her. "And thanks again for making me feel so special."

"You are special, Harley," replied Ivy. "Considering we hate each other's guts, it took someone really special to make J and me work together. Not that I want to repeat the experience ever, so don't go running off again, ok?"

"Ok," replied Harley, smiling. "See you soon, Red."

They drove off and Ivy watched them, relieved that Harley was safe. As safe as she could ever be with Joker, of course. Then she turned around and headed back toward the warehouse, where Batman was tied up and fairly helpless. It would be a shame to waste that opportunity. She smiled to herself, entering the warehouse and shutting the door behind her. Without the clowns around, it was time for some real fun.

**The End**


End file.
